FIRST OFFICIAL PICTURES OF LIBERAL DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE FOR OLD SWAN

TODAY IS THE OFFICIAL UNVEILING OF THE NEW LIBERAL DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE FOR OLD SWAN.

NEW CANDIDATE LIVES AT THE BACK OF THE HIGHFIELD SOCIAL CLUB MOST OF THE TIME, HOWEVER HE HAS RECENTLY FOUND A WAY INTO THE BACK OF THE CHARITY SHOP, WHICH IS A HOP SKIP AND A JUMP OVER THE BACK WALL TO THE CHIPPY. HIS MAIN AGENDA FOR CHANGE IN THE CITY IS MORE PUBS, CLUBS, DOSS HOUSES, SOUP KITCHENS AND PUBLIC TOILETS.

HE INTENDS TO LOWER COUNCIL TAXES SO MUCH THAT THE CITY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO KEEP OPEN LIBRARIES AND ELDERLY HOMES ETC, THIS IN TURN WILL CREATE AN IDEAL OPPORTUNITY FOR DOSSERS AND THIEVES, WHICH WILL BE THE CITIES, "COMMON PURPOSE"

BERNIE TURNIP SAID"I WISH HIM WELL HE LOOKS LIKE HE WILL FIT IN AROUND HERE, HE IS ALREADY STREETS AHEAD OF ME AND RECYCLING, HE EVEN GETS TO DOSS OUT THE BACK OF THE AFRICAN CHARITY SHOP, I'M STILL DOWN BY GOSHEN STREET!, TRYING TO SNEAK INTO THE BACK END OF TESCO'S."

KEVIN FIRTH THE DE-SELECTED CANDIDATE, WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT.